A friend loves at all times…
Proverbs 17:17 ESV
Before I started writing this, all I wanted to do was address the “friends” who left me. The ones who decided I was no longer important enough to care about, or who no longer found me useful. I wanted so much to share my thoughts on how they hurt my heart and left me alone during my illness. But that’s not what this is about. That’s not what God wanted me to say. That’s not WHO He wanted me to speak to. That’s not what will bring Him glory.
THE ONES WHO STAYED.
Those are the ones that this post is for. The ones that chose to stand by me even when I wasn’t available. Or when I was sick, or in pain. For the times I was hospitalized, having surgeries, or procedures. They chose that I was valuable. Worthy. Loved. This is for you.
For those that don’t know, I’ll give a quick background. I’m living with chronic illness and have been for the last 12 years. I was symptom free for a long time around 2012 to 2015 (my longest stretch yet!), and while at Night of Joy in September of 2015 with my church, my pancreas started to fail. Again. Except this time, it was MUCH worse. I didn’t know what was happening until it was almost too late.
NOT AGAIN, I begged.
This can’t be what this feeling is. I’ve been good for so long.
That part of my life is over, has to be.
The things I said to myself over and over again that weekend, as pain continued, weakness increased, and my body started to simply break down. I just didn’t want to face it. I couldn’t possibly be going through this again. All the fear I had worked so hard to overcome, was back. With fire.
Once I was home, doctors confirmed what I feared most. My pancreatic disease was back. With enzyme levels at about 80x their normal numbers. My pancreas was preparing for organ failure.
Fast forward through the next few years (I’ll be posting a full article on my health soon), more diagnoses, surgeries, complications, pain, medications, teams of doctors, infusions, and treatments. And out of all the things I lost and the ways that my life drastically changed, one of the most painful was the loss of community. The “friends” who walked away. Who slowly stopped checking in, who decided that I was “good” on my own. Who just no longer needed a sick person around.
I put on a brave face. I laugh. I smile. And for the most part, I am genuinely honored that God chose me for this and with what God is doing in my life. The way He has worked through my illness and recovery and given me miracle after miracle to show that He is still good, even if I am never fully healed. But some days, when I think about the losses, I cry. I wonder. I question.
WHY, LORD? Why did I have to face this kind of illness? Why did I have to do it without community?
How could the church be so cruel? YES, I SAID IT.
At one point, it made me want to stop attending, stop wondering who would talk to me or who would care that I even made it there that day.
But, GOD. Rich in mercy, He so graciously removed that feeling. That feeling of “church hurt” (it’s real, and it’s hard). Hands up if you’ve been there. And He replaced it with gratitude. Reminding me that they are not what I come for, that HE IS. He reminded me that the “church” didn’t hurt me, people who go to church did. And there’s a BIG difference. He replaced it with thanksgiving and praise for the ones who chose to stay. To support me through illness. To pray for my body. For my healing. For God to continue to use me during my deepest need and renew my spirit. They stood with me in the fire. Not knowing what a friendship with me would look like, or thinking about how I could benefit them.
To every one of you that chose to love me through it, here are the reasons why YOU ARE VALUED, and loved and absolutely cherished:
5 qualities of a godly friend
- They put your needs above their own.
They don’t come to you complaining about their difficult week at work, or relationship problems, when they know you are sick. They prioritize your needs above their own, and in doing this they actually give you the strength to be you. To help them back the way you normally would.
“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” – Philippians 2:4 ESV - They don’t need to see you to love you well.
You DON’T have to perform for them. You don’t have to meet up for coffee, call them on the phone, or even see them for months (to years), for them to still love you through it. These friends will UNDERSTAND that your situation is temporary, and your health comes first, even if that means not being able to be around them. They won’t make you feel guilty or inadequate because they LOVE you. They KNOW you. And all they want is for you to get better. If anyone ever makes you feel “less than” because you can’t fulfill their needs during your crisis, this is toxic. Run away as fast as you can.
“With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bear with one another in love…” – Ephesians 4:2 ESV - They show up for you whether you ask them to or not.
I am a big fan of “asking for what you need”. I think that comes from my therapy-centered brain and what I try to teach my patients about communication, but I also just think it works. When you need someone to come do something in person for you, ASK. They can’t assume what you’re lacking or what you need. So reach out and tell them, “I could really use a friend today to pray with me” or “Can you come have lunch with me at work?”. But the beautiful thing about these godly friends, is they will show up for you EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T ASK. A godly friend doesn’t need the sick person to reach out to them, because they understand life is different now. They know that a simple text message takes zero effort and makes all the difference in the world. A like on a Facebook post about another surgery or a comment that they are praying, takes less than one minute, and gives more encouragement than I could explain. They also do the big things. Like sending flowers. Showing up at the hospital. Praying at your bedside. Visiting you at home. FaceTime. Making dinners, or just bringing a yummy dessert to church for you. These friends go the extra mile to let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
“Show hospitality and love to one another, without grumbling.” – 1 Peter 4:9 - They rejoice with you and weep with you too.
When you get good news, they are just as happy and relieved as you are. When you get difficult news, they don’t try to push positivity on you that you already know (“But God is good all the time!” “Don’t worry about it, just pray!”). They weep with you, like Jesus did. They allow you the space and comfort to feel. Whatever it is you need to, because only you know what that is. They are there with you in the valleys, so they can know what it’s like for you to stand on the mountaintops.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.” – Romans 12:15 ESV - THEY PRAY FOR YOU.
Undeniably, the most important part. They go to God on your behalf. They lift your name to the Healer. They praise Him for what He’s already done, and they praise Him with you for what He has YET TO DO. And they tell you! Praying for someone is great, but letting them know you are, builds connection.
“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for each other, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” – James 5:16 ESV
THANKFUL.
As I find myself on the recovering end of illness (can I get an #amen?), finally starting to feel like myself again, I remain thankful. Thankful for the changes, the loss, the abandonment. It has shown me what’s real. What’s not. And if I’m walking through a fire, I know who to turn around and call out for to walk through it with me.
God has done immeasurably more with this time in my life, than I ever thought possible. And I would not change ANY of it.
So, to the ones that chose to stay. Who declared that I was enough, as is, in sickness and in health, I THANK YOU.
YOU ARE APPRECIATED.
VALUED.
CHERISHED.
LOVED.
And if I don’t tell you enough, you are a blessing. Thankful for godly friendships that withstand whatever life brings. The ones that hang on when the ship is sinking. Who step in and step up when you have nothing left to give.
I pray that throughout this journey, I have been as present with you and for you as you have been for me, in the very best way I can.
To a lifetime of lovingkindness, may we have friendships that look and feel like Jesus, so those on the outside looking in may know His name though me and through you.
Love, Grayson: The Blog 